Below is an excerpt from the book Downsize Sooner than Later – 18 Rules for Retirement Success available on Amazon.com.
Life is uncertain and who can say whether he or she will even make it to tomorrow? Given this fact, living well at all ages is virtuous, as any day can be one’s last. But beyond the importance of elevating the present, there is also the opposite concern:
Life can last much longer than one expects.
Senior years and retirement often represent a significant portion of a person’s total life. For many, as much as a third of it. This is far too much time to leave to idle.
Just as it would be a shame to die young without fully living, it is similarly unfortunate – and a serious disappointment for those who experience it – to live a substantial portion of later life adrift, with the absence of significant goals, purpose, or enduring pursuits of personal value.
One of several risks of such unfocused living, as alluded to in the last rule, is who knows what fills the empty time. Rest assured, something will fill the space. The question is what:
• Cable news?
• Chronic complaining and over-fixation on health?
• Constant worry and anxiety about money?
• Binge-watching television reruns?
• Continual outrage and anxiety about politics?
• Paralyzing obsession with the “glory days” of the past?
• Addiction to sensational news media?
• Addiction to social media, web surfing, or Internet porn?
• Addiction to casino slot-machine gambling?
Shake your head at some of these possibilities, but I can easily predict that everyone reading these words knows at least one person who has fallen prey to such traps later in life. I am reminded of the wise saying: “The idle mind is the devil’s playground.” This warning applies not only in youth, but to any age group. Given this reality, what can one do to avoid such pitfalls and even turn such a potentially challenging problem into an opportunity for greater strength?
The pursuit of meaning.
Experts in human psychology generally agree that identifying and pursuing meaning in one’s life is essential for living well. Meaning relates to the purpose or the “why” for living. It is the wellspring of the willingness to face each day with energy and direction.
The idea that retirement is somehow exclusively a carefree space and free of difficulty is folly. Life is life, and its challenges continue – perhaps even especially – in older age. When the big challenges inevitably appear, will you be mentally stronger or weaker? Drifting and unfocused living is corrosive to one’s strength. To engender fortitude and optimal mental health for the road ahead, a meaningful purpose for living is vital.
As Friedrich Nietzsche observed, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” What can you do to deliberately establish and maintain a meaningful purpose for living during retirement? What is meaning, as relates to your life? How would you know it when you see it? Where can you look to find it?
Below are several clues to help characterize and identify meaning, along with one major “secret” to help uncover and amplify an abundance of meaning in your own life.
Clue 1: Meaning precedes feelings of fulfillment.
Just as a horse must be in front of a cart to pull it, true feelings of fulfillment require meaningful action to occur before feelings of fulfillment can be manifest. Expressed as a formula, it looks like this:
Meaningful action + reflection = fulfillment
Meaningful action may occur along a broad spectrum, from extensive physical activity such as work, exercise, volunteering, or other ongoing regular activity, to extensive mental activity such as speaking, writing, teaching, consulting, or the decision to bear a particular burden in an exemplary way. Such actions, once taken and reflected upon, produce positive feelings that engender sustaining and motivating energy. Reflection to generate feelings of fulfillment can occur as a result of setting aside specific time to reflect – such as journaling or simply stopping to reflect each day – or intuitively, moment by moment, as a matter of course.
Consider the following two examples.
Jane is financially set – guaranteed income for life, adequate insurance, emergency fund, investments in place and positioned to grow undisturbed. She enjoys spending time with her great-granddaughter Lilly. Two days a week, she watches Lilly during the day, while her grandson and granddaughter-in-law are at work.
Jane and Lilly read stories, play games, take strolls in the local park, and have lunch together. At the end of such days, Jane is tired, but she has a very enjoyable time. Thinking back on it, she is thrilled that she and Lilly can be an important part of each other’s lives. She knows that she is helping Lilly grow and experience life in a special and unique way. With these positive feelings in mind, Jane stays energized and motivated to continue this highly rewarding activity.
Albert, after visiting the doctor for moderate but recurring abdominal pain, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer of the Steve Jobs’ variety. This diagnosis came out of nowhere and was a complete shock to him and everyone close to him. Based on the cancer’s stage at diagnosis, he was given an estimate of 12 to 18 months to live.
Family members never knew exactly how to talk to Albert about his illness. To protect those closest to him, Albert made a deliberate decision to limit discussions that focused on his difficulties. During his remaining time, Albert worked painstakingly to set his affairs in order. He made the decision to take on renovating several rooms in his home – paying remarkable attention to detail – preparing it to be a comfortable refuge for his family in the years after he would be gone. In the process, Albert left a legacy of how to heroically face the close of life without complaint, and with dignity and strength.
In the end, it took nearly five years for the cancer to finally claim Albert’s life. While impossible to prove empirically, his meaningful effort to finish strong and elevate concern for those closest to him may have bought him some extra time. Regardless, he left a legacy of courage and determined character that those closest to him will never forget.
Clue 2: Meaning must be specific to the individual.
Broad generalizations about actions a person might take to establish meaning in their lives are difficult to make. This is because meaning requires a custom fit. It doesn’t work well for someone to say that taking specific action “x” or “y” will always be meaningful to every person. People can offer suggestions and share what may seem meaningful to them – and they may get close to describing something that may appear meaningful to you – but, in the end, everyone must decide.
For example, Joan is thrilled about realizing her dream of bottle-feeding puppies and kittens when she retires. This seems meaningful to Joan, but others may find such a pursuit as possessing significantly less meaning. It follows that any answer to the general question “What is the meaning of life?” or “What should a person do to achieve meaning in life?” will only be valid based on how it aligns with the values and inclinations of the particular individual.
Clue 3: Passion is not meaning.
People are often given the advice “Follow your passion!” as a directive for identifying or establishing meaning in their lives. However, such advice, if you try to follow it, can be difficult and confusing. The reason this happens is because passion, like fulfillment, is a byproduct of first engaging in meaningful action.
Pele is passionate about football because he has worked very hard and accumulated a track record of success and fulfillment from playing the game. However, had he fallen short in his early career and derived no ongoing joy from football, he may have never developed the same momentum. His initial actions – risky, uncertain, and independent of his preexisting talent – were necessary pre-steps to developing the passion he enjoys today.
Because meaningful action once taken and accumulated into fulfillment generates passion as a byproduct, initiating a search for meaning in one’s life from a starting point of passion puts the cart before the horse.
This is not to suggest that passion isn’t valuable. Passion can be a useful sustaining force that helps support creative capacity and ongoing meaning, but it is not a creative force in and of itself. To help prove the point, try the following experiment. The next time your spouse or partner asks what he or she should make for dinner (assuming it’s not your night to cook), try answering with only, “Something that tastes amazing!” You will soon discover that passion by itself just doesn’t work.
Clue 4: The pursuit of meaning is fortifying.
As mentioned in the anonymous but real-life story of Albert above, his sense of purpose and meaning provided a means of sustenance during extreme difficulty. His will to live with dignity and his desire to protect and provide for his family gave him a clear purpose for living. This purpose fueled him to battle through years of difficult cancer treatments, to complete demanding tasks of importance, and to live more fully.
Thinking back on it, it is amazing to remember how, post-diagnosis, he continued to live with such vigor. He went on trips, attended concerts, attended sporting events, spent extensive time with family, friends, and attended his children’s activities with full zeal. I even remember playing golf with him about six months before he died. He was still striping the ball even then, and we had a fantastic time together.
To this day, it brings tears to remember my last fist-bump with Albert. “Later, dude!” just days before he died. But even on that day, he remained his uncompromising self, burning with fire for life. Albert exemplified the essence of Nietzsche’s charge to possess a strong and meaningful “why.” Such possession engenders the strength required to power forward even at the most difficult of times.
The secret to finding meaning.
Given the characteristics of meaning that we have discussed, and the fact that pursuing passion as a means of its discovery often falls short of the mark, what is a practical pathway for identifying relevant meaning in one’s life? The method I am going to suggest is surprisingly uncomplicated, yet capable of producing an abundance of meaningful options from which to choose. It hinges on answering the following question:
“What is something only you can do?”
Take a moment to try and answer. If you are frustrated at first – no worries. An initial measure of frustration seems to sharpen the impact, once the underlying simplicity of the question is revealed. Notice that this question does not seek a singular “one” thing that only you can do. More like asking, “What is something you can eat for breakfast?” a variety of answers will suffice.
The question is also not about skills, per se. If it was, most would conclude that there isn’t much only they can do. Are you a scratch golfer? Well, many people can do that. Are you good at drawing or painting? There are a lot of accomplished artists and painters. Do you play the piano well? Same story. Even little kids can be great at piano. Focusing on undifferentiated skills throws the question off and steers it away from its intended target.
However, by narrowing the focus from skills in and of themselves to the application of those skills, a completely different landscape of meaning emerges. Others may play the piano, perhaps even more skillfully than you, but only you play the piano the way you do. Only you can bring to the application of your skills the broad base of your personal experience and perspective. If, on a surface level, your skills, when compared to others, appear similar or even deficient, your application of those skills remains decidedly unique.
In addition to the idea of uniqueness in application of skills is the idea of uniqueness in roles and proximity.
Roles are your distinctive positions in family or other social spheres. Examples of roles include,
- You are the only husband (or wife) to your spouse.
- You are the only mother (or father) to your child.
- You are the only grandparent of your kind to your grandchildren (mom’s mom, dad’s mom, mom’s dad, etc.).
- You are the only brother or sister of your kind to your sibling (older brother, little brother, youngest brother, etc.).
- You are the only child of your kind to your parents (daughter, son, first child, middle child, third child, youngest child, etc.).
- You are the only master of your kind to your pet.
Proximity reflects the distance – physical or relative – between you and your aim.
Things in closer proximity generally offer more fertile pathways to meaning. The simplest manifestation of proximity is physical distance. Say you want to tutor disadvantaged kids to help improve their math skills. It will generally be easier to do so locally, versus attempting to do so in a far-away state. Other distances are more relative in nature. Say you want to mentor professionals during retirement, and you were a cardiologist during your career. You may find it more conducive to mentor physicians versus architects or engineers because the physicians more closely match the experience with which you are most familiar.
By surveying a combination of your applied skills, roles, and proximities, it is highly likely you will find several opportunities for pursuing meaning.
Many will represent areas that exclusively only you can impact. So much so, that without your stepping forward, such opportunities will remain absent from realization in the universe for all time.
A few examples:
Frank is a retired nurse and a considerable handyman due to decades of developing personal skills in home improvement and repair. Frank also happens to live in the same city as his older sister Joan who is recently widowed and living alone. On weekends, Frank regularly stops by to help Joan with odd jobs around the house. As a result, Frank gets to work on satisfying projects he enjoys, while also being a big help to his older sister. The quality time they spend together has enabled the two of them to achieve a much closer and more meaningful relationship.
Alejandro is a retired manager from a large company involved in chemical manufacturing. During his 35+ year career, he helped supervise the execution of several multi-million-dollar building projects. This makes him very familiar with the ins and outs of commercial construction and complicated project planning. Through a personal connection, Alejandro was invited to serve on a building committee for a local non-profit health clinic with plans to expand. Bringing his considerable knowledge and experience to the table, Alejandro helped the non-profit build better quality facilities, finish projects on schedule, and save money. He finds helping in this way highly rewarding, good for the community, and is glad to be able to make a real difference.
The pursuit of meaning never stops.
Once you have identified areas in which to pursue meaningful action in the near term, don’t stop there. Plan to continue doing so indefinitely. Don’t think, “Well I can do these things now, but only until about age 80. After that, it won’t matter because I probably won’t be able or around much longer.” Such thinking is shortsighted. For all you know, you may live to your mid-90s. That’s 15 more years!
Do you remember how much living you did between preschool and graduation from high school? Would you allow an equivalent amount of time to be lost to lingering without plans or purpose?
The reality is, the pursuit of meaning and its manifestation in meaningful action should never consciously conclude. Consider Albert’s discovery that his end was near. He had every justification to decouple and withdraw from life. Yet did he do so? Did he surrender his remaining days to hopelessness and drifting in despair?
Not even close.
He pulled himself together from the initial shock, regained his footing, and – until his body finally denied him – showed those closest to him what it looks like to stand heroically in the face of adversity. His extraordinary why afforded him meaning and purpose during the most devastating of how.
Questions or comments?
I can be reached at this link – contact Ted Stevenot.
