Below is an excerpt from the book Downsize Sooner than Later – 18 Rules for Retirement Success available on Amazon.com.
Some days are surreal.
I never imagined that one day, I could go to the mailbox at the end of my driveway to find an envelope containing “updated certified death certificates” for one of my own children. But while writing the material presented on this blog (i.e. now a book on Amazon.com), it happened.
The day the certificates arrived, I knew they were coming – or, at least, I was expecting them. The first set we received from the funeral home had listed the manner of death as “Pending Investigation.” The new version listed manner of death as “Natural.”
In certain circumstances, such as when an otherwise healthy young person dies unexpectedly, the law requires an autopsy be performed to review the cause of death. This makes sense. It is intended to protect the rights of such individuals, and I am grateful for the professionals who stepped up and did their jobs on my son’s behalf.
Up until the Friday morning of October 5, 2018, my wife and I had led a relatively charmed life.
While we had recently experienced the loss of my wife’s father and older brother, these were the first closely related deaths we had seen in many years. But these losses were incomparable to losing our son. Losing John was a major shock. No advance warning. No indication of any serious problem. It still makes no sense and seems impossible. How could this have happened?
When I started writing the material presented here, it was in the summer of 2018, and John knew all about the project. He and I had both been involved in similar writing pursuits in the past and even co-authored a Kindle book together while working in politics. Separately, John wrote his own manuscript on lifestyle design and the benefits of working remotely. I am planning to publish John’s book around the same time the book based on this blog is released.
I love my son John.
Or is it more grammatically correct to write, “I loved my son John?”
I’ll stick with love, as I still feel the same about him as I always have. Not a day goes by that I do not think about him. What a beautiful and exemplary young man! Spirited and strong willed as a youth – at times, he was a handful to raise. But his color and rich vitality helped shape him into the person he ultimately became.
John was a masterwork chiseled from stone. A serious student of life, he was the archetypal “old soul.” Wise and discerning beyond his years, he possessed an inherent appreciation for life and a drive to live fully and do his best. In recent years, I was fortunate to spend many enjoyable days with him, working on various personal and professional projects.
John grew to become one of my closest friends, and I could not be prouder of him.
On the day he died, he was supposed to stop by the house in the early morning to record what would have been the 47th episode of our weekly podcast, Sales Prospecting School. My wife and I had seen him the prior evening, watching him and his girlfriend, Erika, play in a weekly sand volleyball league. One of the team members had to leave early, which allowed my wife to stand in and play a set with John.
Later that night, after texting “Good night!” to Erika, who was staying with her aunt to leave early the next day for an out-of-state wedding, he went online and played Fortnite with his brother Tom, who was then attending Brainstorm Concept Art School in Los Angeles, CA.
When John didn’t show up at our scheduled 7 a.m. time to meet, I thought, no worries.
Something must have come up, or perhaps he overslept. Unusual for him, but possible. A little after 7 a.m., I texted him, “Podcast today?” But there was no reply. A bit later, I texted, “Everything OK?”
Still no reply. I checked the Find My Friends app on my phone, and it indicated he was at home. I checked it again later, after he should have been at work, and it continued to show him at home.
I thought, this can’t be right.
I texted his girlfriend and discovered that she had not heard from him yet that morning either.
After several calls to his phone with no answer, my wife, who happened to be working from home that day, jumped in the car with me to go and see what was happening in person. After picking up keys from his girlfriend’s uncle, we started the drive to his condo.
On the way, we thought it might be a good idea to call the police. So we did, and an officer was dispatched and arrived ahead of us.
The officer banged on the door, but still there was no answer.
When we finally arrived with the keys, the officer and I went in together. I didn’t know what to think or expect. Would he be there? Should I hope he’d be there, after all the non-replies? If he was there, what could account for his lack of response? Any explanation that might result in a favorable outcome was becoming increasingly difficult to conceive.
His dog, Ares, was there and had been barking the whole time. When we opened the door, things looked normal, but there was no sign of John. We walked down the long central hallway toward his bedroom. I will never forget, for as long as I live, turning the corner and looking in the direction of his bed.
There he was.
Subconsciously, I felt a momentary flash of relief. He’s here. That’s supposed to be a good thing, right? But, how can he still be here and in bed? How can he not have woken up or replied to all the texts, phone calls, barking, and door knocking? A few steps more and the officer and I were by his bed.
When your child sleeps peacefully, you know what it looks like. Each kid is different. John used to curl up on his side into a partial fetal position and pull his arms in toward his chest. As a parent, you may not realize you know what your child looks like in this peaceful state, but you know it intuitively. Here was John. No sign of distress. His phone by his side. Looking completely normal. Blanket up to his shoulders. Partially curled up. Just how he always looked when peacefully and restfully asleep.
I reached to touch his arm, I guess thinking to check for a pulse. But, instead of a pulse, I felt cool temperature from his skin.
He was gone.
Jan had not come in with the officer and me. It was too much. She was sitting on the steps outside waiting. I had to go out and tell her. When I did, I helped her to her feet, held her in my arms and brought her eyes to mine. I said, “I’m sorry. He’s gone.”
After taking Jan to see John at his bedside, we went through the customary – but wholly unfamiliar to us – procedural routines required by the police in such situations. Once the required preliminaries were worked out, we had to call John’s brother and sister to let them know what had happened.
I guess I’ll stop this story here.
I share the background of what happened to John to set the stage for discussing the circumstances that occurred after his death. John was young, in exemplary physical shape, and seemingly healthier than just about everyone around him. Further, he was 28 years old, unmarried, and had no children.
Eventually, it was discovered that he suffered from an asymptomatic heart condition impacting the interior of his heart, which eventually caused it to stop functioning. The condition proved to be so rare, the county coroner said she had not seen anything like it in 10 years of service.
Given John’s circumstances, people might ask what need would he have for estate planning, a will, powers of attorney, or other similar effects? No wife, no kids, what difference does it make?
How complicated could it be?
You’ll note a common theme recurring with many of the rules presented here that orienting your affairs properly is not so much about you, but about the resulting impact that doing so has on those closest to you. In the case of John’s estate, the gauntlet that was required to be run after he died served to add more pain to an already inconceivably painful situation.
I don’t blame him. Neither he nor I had any idea this was coming, and, as I was in the position of wise parent and steward, it was as much my oversight as anyone’s that his estate issues occurred. Had I pressed John to plan for such a possibility, I am certain he would not have hesitated to do so.
After working with an attorney friend to become appointed as John’s executor, the operative element of picking up the pieces of his estate was an avalanche of calls in which I would repeat:
“My name is Ted Stevenot. My son John Stevenot passed away on October 5, 2018. I am the executor of his estate. I am calling to discuss the details of his account with you and to eventually close it in order to resolve his estate.”
Only to hear: “I’m sorry for your loss. Let me transfer you.” Then I would have to say it again, and again, and again. So many calls, so many transfers, so many times repeating those same lines over and over.
Have a customer service snafu occur after administrative fumbles and multiple calls trying to resolve an issue?
No problem. Say it again.
At one point, I needed the 12-31-2018 ending balance on John’s Roth 401(k) retirement account, but the famous investment company involved was such a tangle of administrative short circuits they could not get past their own internal obstacles to answer me directly.
“We don’t know you.”
“We can’t verify who you are.”
“This account is serviced by a third party.”
“The plan year is through November, so the statement doesn’t show the year end balance.”
“An employer match? That’s not Roth.”
“The statement doesn’t show a breakout of the two?”
“Can we get that?”
“Let me put you on hold.”
And on and on.
Finally, weeks later, after apologizing in advance to the unlucky service representative who happened to answer my call for what he was about to hear, I unloaded. F-bombs, shouting, swearing, threats to obtain court orders, legitimate threats of legal action, etc., etc.
“Let me put you on hold.”
This time, after only a five-minute wait, I finally got the answer that no one had been able or willing to give me for weeks.
There are many more stories like this I could tell, but here is the gist:
-
- Even when things are arranged properly, dealing with the legal and administrative follow-up to an estate can be very challenging and emotionally costly for loved ones.
- Arranging your affairs ahead of time prevents those closest to you from suffering needless additional expense and pain.
- Because of these and other factors, carefully planning your estate is the right and responsible thing to do.
- What’s more, having your estate plan put together will give you greater peace of mind.
I am as much a do-it-yourself guy as the next person, but in the estate planning realm, I incline toward getting professional help to be sure you cover all your bases correctly. Depending on your circumstances, there may be an upfront cost of anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars. The good news is, the cost of pre-planning your estate is generally much less than the cost of sorting things out after the fact.
Ten estate planning items to get in order NOW if you haven’t done so already.
1. Have a will. A will is a document prepared before your death to help manage the distribution of your assets after you die. A will is also important for appointing guardians to provide care for minor children. When someone dies, there is a legal process to distribute assets to heirs and pay debts to creditors. This process is called “probate.” Rules for probate are determined by state laws. The legal authority that enforces those rules is called “probate court.” To be valid, your will must follow the rules of the state in which you reside. If you die without a will, or if there are assets in your estate without designated beneficiaries, the probate court initiates a supervised process for distributing those assets and dealing with disputes. This supervised process is what people mean when they speak of “going through probate.” Having a valid will that specifies where assets should be distributed circumvents much of the hand-holding imposed by the court that occurs in the absence of a will. As a result, having a will generally makes settling your estate easier, less costly, and less emotionally stressful for loved ones.
2. Have a living will. Also sometimes called an “advance directive” or a “directive to physicians,” a living will is a document that expresses your wishes for end-of-life care. This is critical in the event you become unable to communicate those wishes yourself due to an accident or illness. Do you want to be sustained indefinitely by life-supporting machines? Or only supported by machines for a certain period? These can be difficult questions to answer. If you do not make your directives known in advance, you may leave loved ones guessing what you would have wanted during an unimaginably difficult and stressful time.
3. Appoint durable powers of attorney for finances and healthcare. A “power of attorney” is a legal document that gives authority to another person – also called an “agent” – to act on your behalf. Powers of attorney can be created for a single transaction, such as closing a real estate sale, or be comprehensive and allow another person to manage all your financial affairs. A power of attorney is “durable” when it remains in effect even if you become incapacitated and are unable to make decisions on your own. Powers of attorney only apply while a person is living. Once someone dies, the executor of the estate becomes the new authority.
A Durable Power of Attorney for Finances is a legal document that allows you to appoint another person to make financial decisions and administer financial transactions on your behalf. This person should be someone you trust who is proven to be reliable and responsible. Such an individual may pay bills for you, deposit checks, oversee investment accounts, file taxes, and help administer finances.
A Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare is a legal document that allows you to appoint a person to help manage and make healthcare decisions on your behalf. Unless otherwise limited, a durable healthcare power of attorney has authority to make decisions about things like nutrition, hydration, medications, tests, surgeries, choice of doctors, hospitals, rehabilitation centers, and other elements of care.
Often a single person may be appointed to serve as both the financial and healthcare power of attorney. However, it is generally recommended to establish separate and distinct documents authorizing each of these authorities. This is done to provide greater clarity and offer a buffer of privacy between financial and healthcare-related concerns.
4. Have a folder with your passwords and logins. When John died, one of the added complications we had to face was not knowing his passwords or logins for his phone, email, computers, and other login-based accounts. As I write this, the only password we have been able to guess successfully is the login for his Xbox Live account. We had to spend hundreds of dollars to gain access to his principal computers so we could retrieve and preserve cherished writings and photos from him. At the time of writing, we still do not know the password to his phone or email. John and I worked together for years on digital projects. He knew many of my logins, but sadly, I never learned his. I thought I was respecting his privacy. It turns out, that was a ridiculous thing for a trusted family member to think. To solve this problem, establish a folder to be kept in a safe place for loved ones that includes logins and passwords for things like phones, computers, tablets, bank accounts, email, social media, and other password-protected items. A challenge is keeping the file updated over time, as passwords often change. There are online services that may be able to help manage this information for a small fee. Emerging in the category of digital planning is the “Durable Digital Power of Attorney.” This designation is intended to authorize access and control over person’s digital assets should he or she become incapacitated. See your state’s laws to review what options are available.
5. Properly designate beneficiaries on accounts, especially retirement accounts, IRAs, insurance policies, and trusts. Any account you have that can name a beneficiary – especially life insurance, trusts, IRAs, and retirement accounts – should be updated to reflect the current and appropriate beneficiaries. If you have an old will or trust, one of the most important reasons to keep it updated it is to be sure beneficiary designations are current and correct.
6. Where suitable, designate proper joint-ownership status for bank accounts and titled property. When certain assets are owned “jointly,” it can open the door to transferring the value of those assets to a surviving joint-owner upon death. Bank accounts that are owned jointly often include “rights of survivorship.” This means that when a co-owner dies, the remaining survivor becomes the sole owner of the account. Real estate can sometimes be titled jointly, such that a survivor becomes the owner of the deceased person’s share upon death. Check with the laws in your state and with a qualified legal adviser to determine whether designating joint ownership of certain accounts or assets makes sense for your situation.
7. Write down your final wishes. Over and above legal and financial issues, there are many additional questions that arise when someone dies. Any answers you can provide to such questions in advance means loved ones won’t be forced to guess what you want while they are already under stress. For example, do you want to be buried or cremated? If you wish to be cremated, what do you want done with your ashes? Would you prefer a formal church-based funeral or an informal “celebration of life”? Is there a funeral home you can recommend, so loved ones won’t have to scramble at the last minute to find one? Is there music you’d like played or pictures you’d like shown at your memorial service? While no one can anticipate every detail, any answers you provide to such questions in advance helps make things easier.
8. Consider a final-expense life insurance. Conventional wisdom for many decades has been to “buy term and invest the difference.” This idea became popular about the same time companies began to transition from lifetime pensions to personally directed retirement savings plans like the 401(k). The long-term viability of owning only term life insurance has become clouded by the modern reality of millions working and living much longer. The result is that a substantial population are entering their senior years with no life insurance in force. Hindsight is 20/20, but perhaps better advice would have been to buy “mostly” term and invest the difference. Though not as catchy, it would have encouraged individuals to secure at least some permanent life insurance to help protect themselves over the long-term. Today, one of the fastest growing segments of the insurance market is final-expense life insurance. Such policies have lower face amounts, offer affordability, and are generally easier for which to qualify. Even if you have a sizable estate, an extra $25,000 – $250,000 arriving soon after you pass away extends a simple kindness to loved ones.
9. Write your own obituary. This may seem a bit of a stretch to consider, but experience guides me to suggest it. When John died, one of the hardest things my wife and I had to do was write his obituary. It had to be completed within days after his death, while our ears were still ringing from the shock. It was also resentfully expensive. If you didn’t know it, obituaries published in local papers or online news sites generally aren’t free. John’s cost over $700, though it was only a few paragraphs long. If he had written something in advance, would it have really helped? Maybe. Maybe not. It could have at least given us a guideline. Many life planners suggest writing your own obituary as an exercise to help focus the overall direction of your life. It’s something to consider at least. If you do write one, include it in the folder with the rest of the documents we have discussed, so loved ones can find it when needed.
10. Don’t put it off. Don’t want to be a burden? Don’t want to leave a hot mess behind when you go? Don’t want the people who care about you to experience needless additional cost and suffering because you failed to plan? Then get the above list together NOW! The longer you wait, the harder it gets. Don’t wait until you become less capable of making decisions before putting your affairs in order. Waiting too long and failing to act forces others to meet what is your responsibility. Is this how you want to be remembered? Is this how you want to treat the people who love you the most? Because you’ve read the above, you can no longer say you didn’t know. Even if it costs some professional fees to cross the t’s and dot the i’s, so the hell what? Get it done.
Questions or comments?
I can be reached at this link – contact Ted Stevenot.